ugh.

breakdown.
burn out.
bottom hit.

I want to go home. I don't want to have any more responsibilities, any more deadlines, any more plans. No more coordinating of anything, no more cooking for anyone, ahhhh no more!!!

I don't have the motivation to eat, drink, or move. I would rather sit here and wait for Sunday to come. I don't even have motivation to do my devotions, which is pretty lame, and something I'd rather not be confessing to, but here you are, admitted.

I love my job, my life, my friends. But I have reached a breaking point, where I am much happier to not be involved in anything right now.

I have one more party (have already been through 5 or 6) and then I can go home.

Going home is going to be the best thing in the whole world, but it will be very hard to come back.

its been 5 months and 10 days since I left home. It feels like its been longer and shorter all at the same time. And now I can't help but feel like I am going home for good, but that's an out of place feeling because I am only going home for 2 weeks.

anyway, the emotions needed out.

pray for me.

pray for everyone in this world who is feeling like poo. lol.

I will never lose my motivation for prayer, for it is my one comfort, my one hope, my lifeline. If I didn't have God to cling to, and heaven to look forward to, I don't know what I would do.

America in 8 days

So I go home in 9 days. well wait its midnight! I go home in 8 days. And there is a happy part and a sad part about that. The happy part is I AM COMING HOME, the sad part is, I know the 2 weeks at home will go by as quickly as the time until I leave is going by. Which is, btw, fast.

I am def. ready to go home. I need a break. I'm on the verge of BURN OUT.

Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But, it's emotionally, and physically, exhausting. It's that constant feeling of letting people down, mixed in with sometimes getting it right, and never ever getting enough sleep. I catch a cold about every 2 weeks, and I eat pretty healthy. RIDICULOUS haha. I am just really busy, and a "holiday" will be so good.

I have realized so much in the past 5 months and would not trade my experience for anything.

Some things I have realized:

1. Working in a church = stress, and I know understand why pastors get burned out
2. You will never please everyone , so have tough skin
3. You will be let down, but you will let people down as well
4. those basic necesities like eating, sleeping, and exercising, become less basic when you have a busy life, and you find yourself compromising the very things that make you able to be alive, lol.
5. Why is it that I work for a church, for God, and yet, it seems so hard to find time for just God and I!?
6. The church needs more single people, those with families are too busy to be spending so much time helping , churches need more volunteers, it takes A LOT of work to run a church!!!
7. Home is a nice place to be.

I have learned a lot, but I will leave it at 7 for now.

Anyway I am totally ready to go home, but it will be weird to come back, even though I do want to. I can't wait to be with my mom, dad, and brother. I love them even more than I did 5 months ago.

I have close friends here in England, but sometimes you just long to be hugged by your family, people who love you unconditionally and you know you can't really let down. A love hug. :).

I am so blessed to have the family that I do have and I hope I never stop thanking God for them.

I wrote something today about Chris, and almost didn't post it but then I was like hey, whatever.

To: one.

and I want you to know that I’d rather be in our memories than here right now
and I want you to know that I cry for you daily
if only we could have all that time back, but how?
Promises, promises, that were oh-so deadly
so deadly in fact that I ended up killing every last one
and my only escape plan was to run, run, run...
And I want you to know that my nightmares are less than heavenly
and I want you to know that my recovery has not yet begun

...

Well goodnight :).

acr.

Giant Cookie

So I found an awesome recipe for making GIANT choc. chip cookies and have started making them a lot...here is a picture of one I made for some people :). I am really excited to come home and show my family me new cookie baking skills haha...Jesus loves you! Here is the link if you want to recipe...http://allrecipes.com/recipe/giant-chocolate-chip-cookie/detail.aspx...and the trick is to put parchment paper over a pizza pan...fill it with cookie dough about 1/2 inch thick leaving 4 inches from the edge, then make a "crust" of cookie dough about 2 inches wide all around the outer edge of the pizza pan. So there should be about 2 inches between the crust and the dough in the center, it expans while cooking so don't worry :). Voila! Then they are no burnt edges!

Thanksgiving Abroad

Well this past Thanksgiving wasn't my first away from home, but it was my first away from relatives.

I am not sure if it was even my idea, or one of my friends, but we decided to have a Thanksgiving dinner together, which is really cool of them.
So it ended up being Dan and Diana, Dejan and Deanna, Etienne and Cyril, Evangelina, Jo and Andy, Anne and Daniel and Keziah and Zoe, Anca, Jason, and myself. Plus Keith and Melody showed up for a little while.

We had all the food I normally had at Thanksgiving thanks to everyone bringing part of the meal, and I had the experience of making my first Pumpkin Pies, my first tofu loaf, my first cranberry sauce, and my first cranberry relish. It was stressful. and it took me 6 hours just to make those four things. An obvious clue to my lack of experience. I am thinking, Thanksgiving is a lot of work, haha.

But the best part wasn't the food, it was my friends, my family.I love everyone here and I feel so blessed (and thankful) to have these people in my life. To have that many people come together, and celebrate a holiday they never have before, makes me feel so loved. And I am thinking how much I will miss them in 7 months when I leave. And that makes me sad.But at the moment there is no time to waste on sadness. Only time to soak up all the happiness the people in my life bring to me.

So to all my friends who came and spent Thanksgiving with me, Thank you. I love that you are in my life, and truly appreciate you. I can still say that I have never spent a Thanksgiving with out my family :).

Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but becareful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude.-E.P.Powell

audrey.

What do I do with my life? Read on...

Monday Morning. It's cloudy outside. Gray. Windy. Damp. The rain comes and goes.
11:00. Where has the day gone already? Quiet. Still. But the computer growls.

I have been crazy busy until this morning.
It started on Thursday. I woke up. I made roughly 150 copies for a Bible Study. Then went out to eat with the Pastor and Youth Pastor and other girl, Diana, who I work with, it was for her birthday :). We went to Nandos which has the best chicken ever but I get the veggie burger. We eat for awhile. And then they all leave. I have to stay in the town center to find 3 things. 80 trays. 2 Angel cookie cutters. and a present for Diana. I spent roughly 2 hours searching. I am at John Lewis (department store) and I ask a lady who works there "Do you happen to have angel cookie cutters??" she replies "Ummm...yes!" I SCREAM "REALLY!?! AHH! YOU HAVE MADE MY DAY. You seriously saved me I am so happy thank you so much!" she looks scared "Glad I could help you...?". Hahahahaha. so funny. I needed these cookie cutters for Messy Church which is one of the largest productions the church here puts on ( it is in teh afternoon for families with kids ages 0-13, it is 2 and 1/2 hours long, we have crafts, songs, stories, games, and then we all eat a meal together), and I am in charge of organizing crafts. We need the cutters to make angel gingerbread cookies for the kids to decorate. So I am stoked that I found them. I go on to find 40 plastic trays (this is for one group of kids to make gingerbread stables on, because Jesus was born in a stable) I find them..and buy them.. with many strange looks from all around me...I insist on walking the 30-40 minutes back to the church because I think paying for a bus is a waste of money. But I won't lie, it was really heavy, and I was discouraged at times lol. I get back. I have an hour until Health Evangelism. I juice a bunch of veggies because I am trying to fight off a cold. I go to H. E. and am there helping set-up, serve, and clean up until about 10 (I love the people who put it on and love helping them, they are my friends). At 10 I start making my first batch ever of Communion Bread, which by the way is really easy luckily for me. Afterwards I organize the 150 copies I had made earlier. I get to bad at 12:30. I get up the next morning at 7:15. I get in the shower. I make oatmeal and run downstairs. (I have a meeting at 8). The church rents out the rooms to different organizations for them to have meetings and stuff and the student missionaries help set up tea/coffee/biscuits/AV for them. I get there and one room had been set up wrong on accident so spent 20 or so minutes sorting that out (becoming later and later for my meeting)...Finally at 9 my meeting with Lorna can start. What are we doing today? Making gingerbread...We made gingerbread from 9 in the morning until 11 at night. The goal was to make enough for 80 kids to make stables, we made enough for 40...ran to hobby craft and came up with something for the other 40 kids to do (all for messy church)...and everything worked out. Went to bed by midnight. Got up at 7:00. Finished preparing my Sabbath School lesson. Led the Youth Sabbath school...helped make sure everything was ok for the Parallel modern Church Service...went to Church...ate lunch...started setting up for Messy Church...had Messy Church (CRAZY)... was the MC for Messy Church...helped clean up from Messy Church...went to see 2012 with one of the teens :)...got to bed by 1 a.m....got up Sunday morning went to a Pathfinders meeting from 10-12...checked on the center which was being rented for a birthday party...slept from 2-3...showered...went to a birthday dinner...came back...went to prayer meeting where I read the Scripture for the evening...watched Flash Forward in the flat...Called my mom...Dad...and Brother...went to bed by 12...got up at 9 this morning...did my devotional finally...got on here...and now I am going to clean the flat which is TRASHED. So now you know how 4 and 1/2 days of my life have gone. Haha. But I love it. I love being busy and knowing I am here for a reason, Knowing that I am helping God and this church.

"The Demise of Our Love"

I will post birthday pics later :). But for now here is something I wrote and finally finished editing today.

peaceandlove..audreychristine.

Realizing what needs to be realized.

Stanborough Park Church :).
Well Today is October 12. It has been a few days over 3 months since I got here. WHOAH 3 MONTHS! Time has gone by so quickly, and now I am realizing it is time for me to decide what I am going to do with my life next. I rarely have time to think about this kind of stuff anymore, but I need to. I know that I need to stop being immature and accept the fact that college is a necessary step to take. So now that I have stopped denying that, it is only a matter of where. There is Newbold, which, though low on degree options (Iwas thinking about film and media), is less than a fourth of how much it cost me to go to PUC, plus I am already in England. There is PUC...I loved PUC, it was gorgeous, I really like the school, I liked san fran being close, I just loved it really. There is La Sierra, one of my best friends will be there, the other at Loma Linda (both in socal), so if I wanted to do nursing that would be my best option. There is ACA (Adventist Colleges Abroad) in Spain, which considering I want a spanish emphasis on whatever I do decide on, this is a necessary step at some point. . . and there of course is always the option of Colorado. Going to CSU or some other public college and paying way way less, but not getting the enviroment of an adventist or even just christian university. . .



I have had too much time to think this morning. Or maybe not. I love having mornings like this. so rare. to be able to spend a few hours just turning things over in my mind. realizing what needs to be realized.



the past.



haunting.

taunting.

reminding.

unburying that which I buried in my mind.

six feet deep.

with cold dirt.

and darkness.

but now exposed to the light of this day.



I HAVE TOTALLY GREAT NEWS. I am coming home for Christmas :). I cannot wait to get home and see my family, and friends hopefully. I am a little home sick. Mostly because I know how easy it is to be at home. With no expectations, no e-mails, no planner... But I chose this because God wanted me to, and I am still choosing it every day because I want to. I want to be here, I want to make a difference, I want to do what God has planned for me because if he planned it then it is destined for greatness, whether I realize that now or 10 years later. God is good. God is here. God loves you and God loves me and as long as we remember that much we will be alright.



a.

My Life Went Crazy

wow. my life went crazy. still is going crazy...last week Toddler Club start which happens on Wednesday froms 9:30-11:30 and then 1-3 and Thursdays again from 9:30-11:30. on Friday I made (with Rima) 150 Cupcakes. It was Parallels 1st birthday, Parallel is the modern Sabbath Worship service they put on at the church, and so instead of a cake I suggested we do cupcakes, it seemed easier, and cupcake cakes are all the rage right now! Here were the options:

Chocolate w/Peanut Butter Frosting

Chocolate and Vanilla w/Raspberry Frosting

Chocolate and Vanilla w/Orange Frosting

Chocolate and Vanilla w/Chocolate Frosting

Orange Chocolate w/Orange Frosting

Vegan Vanilla w/Vegan Raspberry Frosting

Vegan Chocolate w/Vegan Chocolate frosting

Vegan Chocolate and Vegan Vanilla w/Vanilla Frosting

Raspbery Vanilla w/Raspberry Frosting

Vanilla and Chocolate w/ cream cheese oreo frosting

mmm... they were all so delicious. But holy cow a lot of work. we worked on them from 8 a.m. until 4 p.m...and then at 4, I went to bake pasta and mac n cheese dishes with Anne and Jason for the lunch social which happened on Saturday. That took a couple hours. Then Dejan and I made a quick grocery trip and it was time for vespers. I never found time to shower that day haha. At vespers I did the icebreaker we have been waiting WEEKS to do. Which was fun. Each group got a present which I had wrapped in such a way that it was totally a challenge to unwrap and then they had to put on mittens and try and open it but when we said switch they would pass on the gloves to the next person, and whoever got it open on their turn got to keep it. It was a giant bag of candy, we try to promote good health here. haha. so then I worked on Sabbath School because the launch of our new one was the next day! I made it to bed at about 11 ( I forgot to tell you about the cold which I caught on Tuesday and it progressively got worse and peaked Saturday). Sabbath School went great and then it was a mad rush to get to Parallel (church service) and make sure Cupcakes were okay, luckily, people had already started preparing the cupcake tower. After Church service we started preparing the food for the lunch social in the flat...after lunch we left the dishes and went to the park with the teens...at about 5 we came back...did the dishes...and then the teens came back to flat...then they left...then they came back at about 9 to play xbox...i went upstairs and watched a movie cause I was feeling so "knackered". I went to bed at about midnight despite how exhuasted I had felt all day. I got up at 8:30 the next morning, Sunday, and at 9:30 went to my all day first aid class until 4:00. I came back to the flat...and started working on Messy Church ideas. Messy church is an afternoon Sabbath program we put on for parents and their children 0-13 years old, once a month, we expect 60-100 kids. I am in charge of crafts for the kids. On Monday I finally had a relaxed day and I am not sure what I really did besides waste time on youtube and itunes. On Monday evening I did secretary work for Ian (Senior Pastor) for about an hour and then helped clean up the church center which gets rented out by various organizations throughout the week. Today I got up and set-up a room for being rented out and then came up to flat and got right back to work on Messy Church craft ideas. I also need to think about what craft we should do in toddler clubs this week seeing as it is craft week and I am in charge of craft weeks! Right now I need to write up an article on the Parallel Service for a Church magazine here. But first thought I would fill you all in on my life :). At 4, I go to a Bible Study with Dejan, which should be nice. I need to go food shopping at some point but we will see if that can happen haha! Hope you are all doing well, and so you know by cold has gotten much much better!! I miss everyone dearly! verse for the day is Ecclesiastes 6:7 "We work to feed our appetites, meanwhile our souls go hungry".

It's a Mad World

I am tragically upset right now. My basic feeling is insane frustration at this world. our world has gone so completely crazy and bad that we don't even stop to ask ourselves the most basic questions. we don't even consider the fact that maybe, maybe it's not just about us. we think about ourselves and how what we are doing feels, and if it feels good we go with it. if what we are doing is something we benefit from, something we enjoy, something we can get lost in from the pure joy of it, we don't think twice. what a wise plan satan has. think back. garden of eden, book of Genesis, why did Eve eat the apple, it looked good. why do we do what we do, it looks good. sex. drugs. money. popularity. it all looks good. satan isn't an idiot, he's conned us all into falling for anything that will trip us up, pull us away from God, make us forget all about why we are here and who made us and how much we are loved. my challenge for us is this. stop man. just stop. push pause. think twice. pray. just because it feels good, tastes good, sounds good, doesn't mean it is. and it's not just about you. anything and everything you do wil effect someone else whether you know it or not, whether it's instantly or takes centuries. you make a difference. and the choices you make on an everyday basis could change the world around you in more ways than you realize.

Sick Tunes

Speeding Cars by Imogen Heap

"There, there, baby its just text book stuff
It's in the ABC of growing up
Now, now darling
Oh don't lose your head..."

I love how she uses her voice in this song. And I tell myself this when things go wrong, its in the ABC's of growing up...

When It's Love by Anjulie

"I'll know when it's love
When the ground starts to rumble and the tide pulls me under..."

I really love the chorus in this song, just discovered this artist, she has a gorgeous voice.

Cheers Darlin' by Damien Rice

"I die when he comes around to take you home
I'm too shy, I should have kissed you When we were alone"

Kind of depressing. Ok really depressing but sooo chill you could get lost to it. And I like the clinking of glasses in the background.

Whatcha Say by Jason DeRulo (with Imogen Heap)

Mmmm whatcha say
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say
Mmmm that it´s all for the best? of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say
Mmm that you only meant well?
well of course you did

Really sweet combination of music

Just Dance Cover by Gary Go Feat Mr. Dialysis

"Just dance, gonne be ok, been here before
just dance
sping that record babe loud on the floor..."

LOVE this cover. seriously soooooo legit. get it.

Let the Junk Bring You Closer to God

The dominant characteristic of an authentic spiritual life is the gratitude that flows from trust—not only for all the gifts that I receive from God, but gratitude for all the suffering. Because in that purifying experience, suffering has often been the shortest path to intimacy with God.- Brennan Manning

I think this is so true, and that is one reason for the Bible verse in Romans that says we rejoice in suffering. Suffering makes us stronger, wiser, and closer to God. There is a song by Kathleen Carnali called Dangerous Prayer and she asks God to "rain on my parade, strip me down again, so I'm desperate for you Jesus, whatever it takes bring me to my end, so I'm desperate for you, amen." I love that song. And I know this is true in my own life. I went through a lot of junk that made me decide to leave public school and go to Campion Academy, and by the time I graduated high school, I was a completely different person. Not a perfect person, but a Christian, and someone who loves God so much. I will constantly be changing, trying, growing, becoming closer to God. Through good things but also through sufferings. I just think its good for us to remember that "all things work together for the good of those who love God" (Romans 8:28). So when you are going through junk, cling to God and his promises.

A month and two days

I wake up and I lay in bed. I am thinking "wow, I live in England". It has been a month and 2 days now that I have been here. It's gone by quickly. I am homesick and Chris sick :). But not to the point of tears, usually. Sometimes though it just hits you. I went to see the proposal today with Zoe and Charlotte, and it made me tear up cause it made me think about Chris, I had to force my mind somewhere else. I miss my family too though, I wish Austin could come visit me, with me being off in other places all the time we haven't ever gotten to get as close as I wish we were. But I love him and I know he loves me and I will always be here for him. My mom and dad are a given...of course I miss them. I miss just hanging out the four of us. Going to the mountains, or eating breakfast, or playing games, whatever, I am really really blessed to have the family that I do and I will always miss them when I am not with them. It would have been easy to stay at home. To stay in a place that I know, with people I know, doing things that I know how to do. To stay in my little church. Comfortable, and easy. But I am glad I am here. Growing, learning, and making new friends. People are already asking me what I am going to do next year. It would be smart to have a plan I suppose. I don't. But if you know me, you know that even if I did it would probably change. lol. I know that I am here, I am happy, and this is where God wants me. That's enough for me right now.

Youth Sabbath School Class

I am STOKED. Because... we are starting a youth sabbath school! Right now like 11-19 all meet in the same class but we are going to start a 16-19 which will be so so so awesome. I think it will be so good for the ages to be separated. You go through completely different things when you are 11 and when you are 19. Hopefully we can get the class into the flat too so it's more chill. I have lots of ideas. I want to do breakfast in the flat once a month....I want to do a short film once a month...I want a facebook...I want prayer notebooks...I want a website where they can ask questions anonymously...I want music...I just can't wait for this to start. It will be a good thing.

Written.

It feels like this

For Christopher

Here I am
but where are you
You are at home where you belong
but where do I belong
I feel alone
there are plenty of people here
but not you
How could we know what 12 months will change
We don't
but I think about it
Will I come home to you
Maybe I am homeless
But you make me feel at home
I like to think about you
And how you make me feel
but I try not to
I don't like how it makes me feel
when I think about how you make me feel
but I should get used to it
because I am here
but where are you
You are at home where you belong

Chocolate.

I am having a problem. I am having an obsession with chocolate. And I normally do not eat sugar. I have not had a candy bar in months, and today I ate a kit kat!! Ah. I feel like a traitor to my body hahaha. And worst part is I would love to eat another one. I try to only keep dark choc. around but the church has chocolate downstairs. It isn't mine so for now I am safe. But he said I could have one if I ever wanted to, and that's where that kit kat came from. chocolate. mmm. I am bored that is part of the problem. Kimberly left so I am a little lonely, not bad. Good time to study and do laundry and what not but it's weird to have so much down time.

playing catch up

wow. so I got back from 7 days in Sweden on Sunday! It was so gorgeous. We were at an Adventist camp in the woods there, with a beach. I got basically 0 hours of sleep haha but it was fun. It was kind of culture shock, because the rules compared to adventist camp rules in america were so chill...the weirdest thing for me though was that before entering any of the buildings the rule was you had to take your shoes off!!! And I was like WHAAAAT, I am going to get a foot fungus from someone! I didn't. But it was so awkward. I was not a fan haha. But now I have some swedish friends which is cool. I met a girl from Finland. OH! One of the teens that went with us is from Estonia. Which I did not know exsisted but I will have you know I passed geography with an A lol. I am starting to miss home. Mostly because Kimberly is leaving. We have gotten really close the past two weeks and it is gonna be much more bland without her here. She is amazingly fun and she loves God so much. We are actually a lot a lot alike. Loud and American. Haha. But I miss my mom and dad and brother a lot. And I miss Chris. I also miss Sara. I didn't even get to spend much time with her this year but we texted each other about everything and sent each other music videos constantly. I miss my daycare kids like crazzzzzy. I really miss PUC food. or mom/grandma food. Now if I am hungry I have to walk to the store. And then cook it. When I lived with crystal for the summer I ate frozen grapes and beans and rice. Now I don't even have the motivation to make beans and rice haha. I had my first fish n chips yesterday. it was so good until I realized I was eating an actual fish. like there was the tail !! do we do that in America? Cause all the times I have gotten them in America (okay so only a few times) it was pieces of fish not a whole fish haha. anyways. keep me in your prayers please and you guys are all in mine! PS guy in coconut picture is youth pastor, Dejan (day-ann) from serbia, he also lives in the flat, he is really funny and an AWESOME speaker.

Monday Mania

Today I:

went shopping with Rima and Kimberly. We went to look for swimming stuff for our Sweden trip, I was looking for a cover up since I didn't think I would be swimming in the UK I didn't bring much for that...I mostly brought winter clothes lol...so anyways I found nothing just so you know but we went to the Harlequin mall, I almost bought a shirt for 11 pounds but converted it to dollars in my head and said no (like 18 dollars or something). But I did cave and buy tofu. 3 packages. and some dark chocolate-YUM. Then I had yet another road incident it was raining so we were running back to Rimas car and my tofu bag broke but I realized it after crossing the street! And I look back and there is a tofu trail! In the street and I was like noooooo not the tofu!!!!! Luckily I was able to save it from english road rage :). Then we went to a sports store, and borders where I got a book for 6 pounds of "speeches that changed the world" I thought it would be good knowledge and if you are wondering, yes, I have a Dream is in there!..Then we went to hobby craft which is like hobby lobby and I was massively ecstatic but made myself walk out with as much money as I walked in with (amazing for me). Then we came back to the flat and I wanted to nap but didn't and instead went on a cleaning spree in our kitchen. I swept and mopped the floor, I wiped down everything, I washed one of the couch covers, I scoured the utensil holder which needed it, I spent serious TLC time with the stove and it still isn't sparkling (ugh) I even busted out the bleach for this. It was serious I am telling you. Then Kimberly made a delicious healthy lemon pieish thing. Then she took me on an adventure walk so I would know how to...and we ended up at ASDA (wal mart) where I purchased a prayer notebook...an idea notebook...a dish scrubber...a floor scrubber...3 containers of greek yogurt mmmm...vegan parmesan cheese...wheat noodles...and thats it. I did so good. oh wait I got laundry detergent and softener which took literally 25 minutes to figure out. Crazzzzy England. oh and clothespins for drying the couch cover outside. which amounted to 19 pounds. don't convert it to dollars cause that is depressing to do. (35).

xoxoxoxoxoxo thanks for listening to my life ramblings :)

PS the picture is to show you that here in England they don't say soy they say soya. I eat this on my granola in the mornings :).

audrey.

Crazy England

I almost died today. haha but true story: So I am walking to ASDA (wal-mart) and if you have never been to england let me warn you that they really shouldn't be allowed to drive because they are crrrrrazy drivers. In fact I am massively astonished that more people don't die in accidents over here but anyways I am crossing the street from the right side over to the left and I look both ways (thumbs up) and its all good but one car is sort of close but if I run I can totally make so thats my plan and I am almost to the other side when I realize MY FLIP FLIP HAD FELL OFF in the middle and the car was in the lane closest to me but I turned back out of instinct for my forgotten flip flop I suppose, and that car almost hits me. then I retrieve flip flop and decided to go back to where I came from (the right side of the street) so I look to the right-no cars! so I am good but I forget that HELLO I am in England and the car is coming from the other direction and yeah all of a sudden there is a horn being honked and I look left and AHHHHHHHHHH little red car! I step back just in time and they called me a pig :(-is that what they call stupid people who run across the street and leave their shoe in the middle and then almost die twice? I guess so. and anyways it took me a few minutes (or maybe like 15) to recover and work up the bravery to continue to destination. Good times. But Jesus saved my ridiculousness from death slash injury. Which is a bonus. Then tonight Kimberly, Jason, and I went to Soul Survivor which is a non-denominational church woship service I believe...but it was AWESOME I am so glad I went, it was a lot of good music and prayer and a short worship talk. Good stuff. Good Jesus time. Loved it. Going back for sure.

Bop It Worship

Well tonight was my first vespers (friday night worship) but here they call it YU (youth united). It was pretty simple actually but still nervacking being my first time talking to these kids! It is a high school aged group, ranging from 10 people to 30 ish people. Tonight there were only 10 or 11. Because Jesus wanted to make it easier on me haha. So this is what I talked about--I brought a Bop it and we played a few rounds and then I explained how before I left the states I was playing bop-it and I realized The Bible can feel like bop it. sometimes it feels like the Bible is just this book of rules telling us what to do and it's like we can't keep up with it, it gets overwhelming. But in bop it when you mess up your turn is over and it says something mean to you like "you win! not." haha but Jesus is way cooler than that because he will never say mean things to you and he always gives you another chance. So I encouraged them that when they are feeling like the Bible is a bunch of rules they will never be able to keep, to remember that Jesus always accepts us where we are at and has a never ending abundance of forgiveness. AND not only that but he has a reward for those who continue to pursue the way the Bible teaches us to live, HEAVEN. It says in Matthew 16:27 that when Jesus comes back, he will reward us for how we have lived here on earth. So anyways that was my bop it worship! ta da. I hope they got something out of it, God gave me the idea for a reason so I just have to trust that.

The kids are very nice by the way and I can tell they will be loads of fun to hang out with.

First picture.

Me in my room...after finally getting dressed and ready for the day.

my battery converter=not working well.

Can't figure out why it stops charging before my computer is fully charged. Back to 20% battery life so I better get offline.

Good news=youth pastor and other youth worker I live with (Dejan and Kimberely) are both funny and nice :). I am glad Kimberely will be here for another month.

Also good news=England has good food!!!

xoxo.

FAMILY

I leave tomorrow. crazy. At this time tomorrow night I will be on a plane. I will not sleep in my bed for a long time. And the 3 people I love most (minus Chris cause he already has a dedicated post) are going to be missed dearly.

What I will miss the most about my mother...I will miss her praying for everything. I will miss her optimism about everything. I will miss her smiling through everything. I will miss her being sooooo beautiful, in every way. I will miss her support, her hugs, her good food, her being the only one in the family that supports my eating habits haha HFCS!!!! I love you.
What I will miss most about my father...I will miss you answering every Bible question I have by making me find the answer. I will miss you being able to fix my broken stuff. I will miss going on hikes knowing that if a sabertooth tiger the size of car jumped out I would definitely be safe. I will miss your sarcasm (agh)...I will miss you telling me to stop talking about high fructose corn syrup. i will miss you telling me I never stop talking. I will miss your big bear hugs. I love you.

What I will miss the most about my brother... I will miss your smile. i will miss watching you play hockey. i will miss you eating all the food. I will miss hanging out with you, even when we don't really talk, because we're chill like that. I will miss your shananigans...and how you drive...or maybe not...I will miss telling you things you already know-like don't do drugs and girls have cooties...I will miss those random times when you decide to love me. haha. I love you.

No, You'll Never Be Alone

So I don't know if anyone has ever listened to whispers in the dark by skillet, if you haven't, be warned that it's a rock song...and its pretty hard-for me-for patrick torres who likes screamo, it would be baby stuff...but its a christian band, and it the main verse is "no, you'll never be alone". I usually don't like hard music but I really love this song because of the message. Because we aren't alone, and not only that but Jesus has endured things worse than we do. I mean people seriously hated him, enought to kill him, and it wasn't a quick death, like it was bad enough that he cried out to God to save him. crazy how much he loves us. and its reassuring.

Tanner, Haley, Emily

Yesterday concluded of:

many things. the important stuff is what I will tell you about.

I took Tanner (3), Haley(3), and Emily(4) to the park...we played, we found a worm, we went really high on the swing, we saw a baseball game, we ran through the grass...we got sand on our feet.

We drove in the miniature bat-mobile to get snowcones. We got strawberry, watermelon, and blue eagle. I wanted tigers blood but I reminded myself that I don't eat High fructose corn Syrup!, we sat in the grass and spilled a lot of our snowcone, we were getting EATEN up by mosquitos so we finished in the car. We mixed all the flavors together and our snow cones turned purple.

Then we went to the library...we were too loud, we spent 15 minutes washing our hands in the bathroom, we sort of watched the family night movie even though we aren't technically a "family", people looked at us like "I can't believe she already has 3 kids!", we did a puppet show put on by ourselves...we loved the water fountain..

We went to Haley and Emily's house. we ate. we sort of watched the bee movie. but mostly ran around in circles. Emily tried to put make up on. Tanner told me he is going to miss me. Tanner leaves. Emily and Haley and I get ready for bed and I read them the Little Mermaid books I got them, I wrote them letters in the front, I read Emily hers first and when i finished she hugged me and said "I love that you wrote in it, thank you for writing that to me". i wanted to cry. Her mom picked out a present for me. I love it. It also made me want to cry.

Everyday at daycare the kids say "Did you go to england yet?"

Plane ticket? CHECK.

Just purchased my plane ticket! I leave on July 6th at 8:00 p.m., I arrive in London at like noon. CRAZINESS. I have spent the entire day pre-packing to make sure it all fits. I got rid of like 20 outfits haha and I still am having issues....ugh...I am so not a fan of this whole packing business.

peaceandlove-A.

Christopher.

This post is dedicated to Christopher:

For teaching me love. For showing me trust. For making me feel. For everything, I wouldn't change it for the world.

Band: Band of Horses Song: No ones ever gonna love you

It's looking like a limb torn off Or altogether just taken apart We're reeling through an endless fall We are the ever-living ghost of what once was But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do No one's gonna love you more than I do And anything to make you smile It is a better side of you to admire But they should never take so long Just to be over then back to another one But no one is ever gonna love you more than I do No one's gonna love you more than I do But someone, They could have warned you When things start splitting at the seams and now The whole thing's tumbling down Things start splitting at the seams and now If things start splitting at the seams and now, It's tumbling down Hard. Anything to make you smile You are the ever-living ghost of what once was I never want to hear you say That you'd be better off Or you liked it that way No one's ever gonna love you more than I do

Goodbye will be harder than I ever expected. But God has a plan. Trusting that plan is how we will make it. I love you always always always.

-ari.

My first goodbye.

today I drove to 2 hours to say goodbye to sara. My best friend Sara. She is probably the only person i will really get to see before I leave besides Chris. we were also supposed to see chad and alex. but that didn't work out. so it was just sara. and it was weird. like it has not sunk in that I am leaving. I didn't really feel sad because it didn't feel real. it never feels real until it is. until I am gone.

Reality

Reality is...

1. I have 17 days left until I leave for England
2. Chris and I will no longer be together after I leave
3. I will be in an entirely new country with entirely new people eating entirely new food
4. I CANNOT WAIT TO LEAVE. mostly.
5. I love my church family and how they support me without me even needing to ask

peaceandlove- Ryder.

P.S. can ryder be my blogger name? haha I think so.

Visa

Things of importance that happened today:

1. Los Angeles emailed me and said they approved my visa

2. I remembered how much I loved my christian ethics class at college

3. I rode my bike for THREE errands and therefore saved gas money

4. Most importanly I AM WRITING MY FIRST POST!

The end. four things. not bad.

P.S. #1 is important because I will be going to england to work as a missionary for 12 months and it was kind of an important step. I leave the first week or so of July.

peaceandlove- A.