Beginning of the End

So my plan is this. To take one picture everyday for my last week in England and share why I took it and what I want to remember about it. I have chosen not to do people, because there are way more than 7 that I want to remember :). My picture for today is the view from outside my window, and I actually made a video as well haha. I can crawl out my window in the flat and onto a little landing, and I only discovered this within the my last 2 months of being here. I had always thought about it but never done it. Since finally doing it, I have gone out there a couple times when I needed some time to myself, when I needed to get away. In the past two months I have laughed there, cried there, talk to God there, and tanned there. I have jammed out, chilled out, and pigged out. It became my "spot" really quickly. It made me remember when I was a child and would find all these secret hiding places in my yard, my house, my street. There's something about having a secret place. Something about a space where you go to be with God, and you leave the world behind. I think we need to remember to have places that belong to us and God alone. Places where we feel safe, where we feel closer to God and farther away from the world. And so my place for a short time has been outside my window.

40 Days

40 Days today until I leave. Wow. It seems like eternity, yet thinking about how fast this past week went by and that I only have 5 and a half left makes me realize how short 40 days really is. Here's what I will be doing until I leave:

Health Evangelism.
Beauty Sleepover weekend for the teen girls.
Road trip to Bath.
Writing an article.
Sabbath School Lessons.
YU Ice breakers and maybe another talk.
Pathfinders.
Messy Church.
Coordinating Parallel.
Toddler Club Craft weeks.
Seniors outing to a garden.
Camp Meeting.
Pat's Sale.
Sex and Relationships weekend for teens.
Road trip through Europe for Dejans wedding in Serbia.

And that's just some of the stuff...

mix that in with the other normal stuff, and fit it into 40 days, and you've got time that flies.

It's strange that I have time to write this right now, and I probably don't. I think I am ruined for life. I feel really guilty about having time to myself, like I knw there is SOMETHING I could/should be doing. And sometimes there is so much to do that I cannot focus on one thing to save my life. It is like my head doesn't know where to start and all my thoughts get confused with each other.

Guess what?! I registered for classes at Univeristy. Really stoked about that. I start August 23rd. Which shokingly enough, is less than 3 months away!

Dear June 10th... I can't wait to wake up to you.

Random Thoughts About Leaving

50 days. In 50 Days I will get on a plane. That plane will take me home. The people I see every day here, I won't see at all anymore. I will go from spending most of every day in a church, to spending most of every day at a public university. I will go from my life revolving about what I have to do on the weekends, to what I have to do during the week. I will go from a church of a few hundred to a church of a few... My Mondays will go back to being typical Mondays, my Sundays will go back to being typical Sundays. I won't have to miss my family, because I will be able to see them every day.

I won't have to walk everywhere I go.

I won't have to constantly be aware of being a good example of a Seventh-Day Adventist. Or maybe I should be. But I will be able to paint my nails, and wear earrings with out having to worry about whether or not someone will say something.

I will actually make enough money to buy things I want to buy. But I have learned how much that doesn't matter. So maybe I won't buy the things I want to buy anyway.
I will miss my friends that have turned into family.

Late nights and Songs that have words that are just too right.

"I see your face in my mind as I drive away, Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way. People are people, And sometimes we change our minds. But it's killing me to see you go after all this time. Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie, It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see. Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down, Now I don't know what to be without you around. And we know it's never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, noone here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I can't, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to. Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt. Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve. But people are people, And sometimes it doesn't work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out. And we know it's never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, no one here to save me. You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, And I can't, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to. It's two a.m. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know it's not easy, Easy for me. It's two a.m. Feelin' like I just lost a friend. Hope you know this ain't easy, Easy for me. And we know it's never simple, Never easy. Never a clean break, noone here to save me..."

Breathe by Taylor Swift

oh love.

if there is one thing I could say about love, it's that once you choose to, you can't change your heart. If you choose to love someone, if you choose to give it all you've got, and then you change your mind - be prepared. Because your heart doesn't change easily. Your heart doesn't forget. Your heart doesn't let go. How could you expect it to? We were made to love one person forever. Not for a couple of years. How do you stop something that was meant to never end? How do you shake a feeling that takes over your whole body? I don't have answers to my own questions yet, which makes me realize more and more every day that love is something we can't control once we choose to embrace it.

watermelon. mountains. family. God.

the first thing I want to do when I get home:


Pack a lunch. Go to the mountains with my family and my dog. eat watermelon. hike. lay in the sun. put my toes in the water. eat more watermelon, eat lunch. Talk about God. Talk to God. Love life.

I just wanted to write that down in case I forget, which I doubt I will.

76 Days

76 Days until I am home. 76.

I am struggling so much. Here is my struggle: I love the people in my life here...and I know I will miss them so much when I leave, but I am finding it hard to appreciate being here. I miss my family, I miss America, I miss life being easy, I miss being bored sometimes. I miss my mom cooking for me, and my dad fixing things of mine that break. I miss my brother telling me to stop taking his clothes and using his hair brush.

I know the next 76 days will fly by super fast, and yet somehow, I feel like they are doing the opposite of flying. I feel like they are crawling.

How do you teach yourself to appreciate the here and now? How do you value what you have before you don't have it anymore? How do you learn to love your life in the midst of your reasons to dislike it entirely? Why can't I be satisfied with where I am at right now? Why do I thrive on change? I love to move places, get new jobs, make new friends, change schools, change houses, change change change! Why do I love change? Does change make me secure in some weird way? Is it because I like to start over? Forget my old mess ups and break ups and begin something new?

I am a Christian. I know why I am here, I know where I came from, and where I am going. But that doesn't make it easier, being a Christian isn't supposed to make life easy. But it gives life a meaning, a purpose. If I didn't have God, if I didn't know that someone out there who is bigger than my problems was going to make sure everything would be ok, I would freak out. If I didn't know that someone was watching out for me, someone was guiding me, I would go home yesterday, well I would have never come to England in the first place.

I needed to get on here and let this out, because it is something I am struggling with daily.

sigh.

Family :::

Yeah, so, I miss my family, a lot. I feel kind of like I am missing their lives, like I am not there to be with them while they have birthdays and have good days and bad days and eat dinner together...

It's not like I am lonely, really, I mean I have people who mean the world to me around me all the time, but sometimes you just really want a hug from your Grandma, or your mom, or your dad, or even (maybe especially) your little brother.

And sometimes it just hits you and you want to fly home that night. But you know that you aren't going to. And that is ok. Because tomorrow will come, and tomorrow will go, and pretty soon all the tomorrows will have come and gone, and you will be flying home that night.

And until then you learn so much more about yourself and life. Like that you maybe don't want to live in Africa as a missionary for the rest of your life. And that maybe you need your family to be closer than you thought you needed them. Or that pasta is the easiest and quickest meal, but couscous is even faster! And better yet - cereal and milk. You also learn that houses get dirty really fast, and there are always going to be dishes. You learn how to live with out a car, and sometimes fight to find motivation to walk to the store/the gym/the mall/a friends place.

You cherish the meals that others cook for you, the hugs your friends give you, the Saturday nights that you can go to bed early, and the cards that come for you in the post.

You remember how easy life was in high school, and how hard you thought it was.

You realize, that you will miss England, and more importantly, the people you have come to love who live in England. You remind yourself of this, and try not to take moments for granted.

But you still have 127 days. Plus a month, if you stay an extra month, but who knows when you will sort your life out.

xoxo.

Battle Wounds and Friendship Bracelets

Right now I am sitting with my foot on my desk, icing my shin. Why am I icing my shin? Because while in England I have taken up a new sport. Hockey. But English hockey, which means you play on an astro turf/tennis court ish field, and the teams/goals are set up like regular hockey, but your stick is half the size (will post picture soon) and the puck is just as hard, but in the shape of a ball. Well I did not bring shin guards to England - meant to bring them and my cleats back after Christmas but forgot - and tonight I took a puck to the shin - ouch ouch ouch! It swelled up within 10 minutes. So I now have a good lump there, and it hurts a bit to move. Exciting! haha.

Today I taught my first Pathfinders class, I was really a bit anxious about it, there are 15 kids in my class and I was worried they would not listen to me. But it went really well. We did group presentations on a Bible Parable/Miracle of their choice, and then I taught them how to make friendhship bracelets! I just started learning yesterday, and I love it, I had always wanted to learn and now I finally am, teaching the class was really fun. At first I was not sure about Pathfinders, I had never done it in my home church before, and I felt like I had no idea what I was doing, but it is actually a great thing for the kids. For those of you who don't know, Pathfinders is like my Church's version of Boy Scouts. They learn useful things like camping, simming, how to tie knots and cook food etc, and also learn about the Bible and Church.

I miss my family, and I was planning on going to Spain for ACA in the summer, and I hope I can stick with that plan, because part of me just wants to go home. 4 months until ACA, 5 months until home :D.

XOXO

Getting Over

::: getting over :::
Getting over but not quite done
I do great until the weekend hits
but our memories are blurred, and new ones have begun
I'm here, you're there, that makes it better
If she wants to love you well,
It won't be long until you let her
To be honest, I think I'm getting over...
Getting over but not quite done
Ready to come home and,
For once I think I won't run
There's not much left to run from
Because I am getting over...
Getting over, but not quite done with you

I am in love...aww....

It has been roughly two weeks since I fell in love....











....











almost had you, haha, I fell in love with the gym!! I just thought you might like to know, oh and see my progress:
yep. that's right. I now have MASSIVE muscles. (in case you can't tell, I am pushing them up, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

no, but honestly. The gym has made me so much happier. When we stop exercising, we forget how much it does for us. I was feeling pretty down at times before I started the gym, I wasn't feeling happy about how out of shape I was, and it was something that constantly bothered me. I am much happier now, and I love having a membership!! My favorite class is Legs, Bums, and Tums, lol. Or body combat, which is pretty intense. I have started spinning class as well, and the instructor is totally insane, in a good way. Like I cannot even tell she has legs that is how fast she pedals. My life is getting really busy again, and I am surprised I have even taken the time to write on here! I made vegan brownies the other day, with carob rather than chocolate, and they were gross. So I made them again with dark chocolate, and I think I may be in love. I have eaten half the pan in 3 days. SOOO good. They have tofu in them, which gives them an amazing texture. I love vegan food. But NOT carob. I do not love carob, but anyone who does deserves a high five, or a hug, or carob cookie, something!

So since I started the gym, I have no desire to walk anywhere anymore. I used to walk to the town center and back at least once a week (like a 25 minute walk each way). And I would go to the store all the time...and now...I am just like...ugh, how bad do I need to go?

Plus I am always running out of money, this whole living pay check to pay check thing is rough.

So here is some CRAZY news. I applying to go to ACA Spain, just for the summer program. Which means if I get to go, I will leave England the first week in June. only FOUR months from now. So pray about my life please, thanks, haha.

Jesus loves you, always has, always will.

a.

S'mores come to England...and other ramblings

Woke up to the sound of rain, typical London style :). I actually feel at home, like this is my room, downstairs is my kitchen, and as of last week, 15 minutes down the road...is MY LOVE, the gym!! It is officially one week since I started the gym, and I am SO much happier. I can really tell the difference, especially in my attitude, I am a lot happier. I have been short on money because of it though, haha, and am learning what it really means to live pay check to pay check, well, stipend to stipend.

Dejan came back today, he was gone for a month in Aussie land, he looks kind of like an indian he is SOOO tan.

This past Sabbath we had a bonfire for the youth social, and I had brought back everything we needed for smores from America!! I imported a super size box of Honey Maid Graham crackers, 4 bags of Jet Puffed Marshmallows, and of course, the Hersheys chocolate bars :). We roasted hot dogs first, and then I instructed them in the way of the s'more. THEY LOVED THEM, but I mean, who, in their right mind, wouldn't?!

This is Laura (one of the teens) and I, her first ever s'more experience! Represent!

It was really cool to teach them something so fun, and delicious, haha, and I had a great night. I missed home a bit afterwards, but it also made England feel more like home.

I am thinking about going to school in Spain next year again...Pray for my decision please!!

peace and love!

Measurements, measurements.

the pictures above have been added after posting the following blog (me, dirt cake, two dads enjoying dirt cake):

Hahahahaha.

I am choosing to laugh.

So it started with me wanting to make dirt cake, which is, by the way, so delicious.

And so that was my plan.

The ingredients are:

cream cheese, butter, milk, powdered sugar, choc. pudding mix, oreos, and cool whip -- I know right, super healthy.

I am making it in England, for an English kids program.

So that means I must convert the recipe from American measurements to British ones. Now, I graduated high school and I didn't do too bad, and I went to college, and I got a 3.5 gpa while I was there. I am not stupid, entirely. So I google cups to grams ( which is what they use here )and I do all the math for all the ingredients and convert it all into grams. Then, I multiply it by 15, because I am making this for a lot of people.

I am now ready to shop. Lorna, who is helping me, picks me up. I have an inkling that England may not have cool whip, but we try costco since it is an American store, no, no cool whip, but I KNOW they will have Oreo's. The recipe calls for 1 pkg of Oreos. Too bad in England, where people are skinnier, 1 pkg only has 6 biscuits. So back to the math. I decide 4, 6 biscuit, packs will count as one American package. Sorted.

We now go to the next store to buy everything else. I tell Lorna that I need 15 sticks of butter. Lorna has a strange look on her face, "sticks?!", she asks, looking confused. I remember, England doesn't have "sticks" of butter, well they do, but they do not call them sticks. Back to the math, ounce, cups, grams, and STICKS! ugh. But, sorted it.

I then tell Lorna I need 6,875 grams of milk. "Grams?!", Lorna asks, looking confused. "Milk is liquid, it does not come in grams", she states, in a very obvious tone. Awesome. I forgot that liquids and solids are measured differently. Like what was I thinking about, dang you google for not making it more clear!!

Eventually, after studying my nalgene (1 litre), I guess, and buy 2 and 1/2 litres of milk. Ugh, litres?!

Next step, chocolate pudding, I ask Lorna, "do you have chocolate pudding?", "well of course we do, we have all kinds of pudding". After she states this, I remember, in England, the word pudding is a synonym for dessert. Actual pudding, does not exist. BUT they do have chocolate custard, well they might have it, she has never seen it, but, I pray, and we find it. But how much to buy? Ugh, guessing again.

Cool whip? Yeah no Cool whip, nothing like it, not at all. So home-made whipped cream it is. But how much whipped cream can you get out of 500 ml of cream? What is ml anyway, silly England, I like ounces.

So I am off to try to make dirt cake, with pretty much none of the ingredients it calls for. But I rest assured that God will do the cooking. I will update you all later.

Peace!

P.s. Everyone loved the dirt cake and it turned out great, a major success, praise the Lord!

PS Here are pictures

life life life

so... Here are the things that I miss.

I miss the mountains.
I miss my work out videos.
I miss my wii fit.
I miss my mom, my dad, my brother.
I miss Chris, yeah, still.
I miss sara, brooke, ariana, sam...campion...puc...
I miss wal mart (weird, I know)
I miss american malls and all the shops that come with them.
Miss my grandma/grandpa.
Miss my daycare kids.
Miss the weather of america.
I miss my blankets at home.
I miss my books, my clothes.
I miss the american accent!!

there are more. but I will end the list there lol.

I made soup by myself (mostly) for the first time in my life Saturday night. It was for social, and I think it turned out pretty good! The kids told me they liked it, but who knows what the truth is, haha. I was proud though, I am slowly learning how to cook. For Christmas my Grandma gave me a cookbook and a bunch of recipes, and that was seriously an awesome present that I will always cherish!!

Today Diana and I delivered leaflets door-to-door for 2 hours, I could not feel my face by the end but felt accomplished, lol.

England still has lots of snow on the ground! It's cool to know I have witnessed something that is really rare. Snow is so pretty!!!

I miss Dejan, he is in Australia until the 23rd, life isn't as funny with out him here.

Still trying to sort out my future...blahh! So overrated, haha.

LATER!

HOME

ah. Home. going home was the best. Lots of people had asked me why I was going home, why didn't I take the opportunity to travel while I had the chance?! I will tell you why. First of all, because I'm not all that obsessed with traveling, I don't feel in a hurry to get it done. I am in a hurry to get to heaven, my real home, and travel there, I'll see bigger and better things there then I will in Germany for a weekend. Don't get me wrong, traveling is a lot of fun, but right now, it's a waste of money that I don't have. My second reason is the main reason: family. I never used to think I was attached to my family, like I know I love them more than anyone else, but I always thought I was pretty independent of them, and I am, but not in the way I thought. I do need them. And I would rather spend time growing with and learning from them, then spend time visiting some random country. I miss my family terribly, and I realize that this life is not permanent, my family will not always be there, any one of them could die from anything at any given moment, and I don't want to look back and regret passing up a chance to love them. So there you have it, those are my two reasons.


While at home with my family, I also realized, that there are people here I consider family. People I love, and want to spend time with as well. And I was ready to come back, get back to my life here. Yeah, I said it, I missed England.

America- the best country ever. The land of no round-a-bouts but plenty of jet puffed marshmallows. The land with lots of space, and well, um, land. I love America the most. I love the mountains, I love being able to see them instead of buildings. I think America rocks.

But I am so happy to be back in England.

It's been 6 months since I left. 6 months yesterday actually.

Which means there are 6 months left.

Which means if they go by as fast as the last six, pretty soon I will be writing to tell you I am leaving England, which is heart breaking, but also exciting.

love audrey.